“Diary Entry: 09/17/24 – Birthday Season“
The Bay Area doesn’t have actual seasons. The weather doesn’t change much; it could be 80 degrees, but you still need a layer of two so the bay winds don’t do too much damage. There is no start time for autumn leaves since leaves here change color when they feel like it. I have heard sunsets are much later in the summer than winter, which is a romantic way to track season change. I can’t say I have ever noticed; I appreciate the sunrise more. One way I determine summer is over is the increase in celebrations. Most people in my life have birthdays at the end of the year, starting at the end of August. I already had three birthday celebrations in the past three weeks. They all had their own flow and vibe, and it was a great kickstart on the birthday season.
As an introvert, I have to store social energy on the days leading up to more social events because I want to be fully there. It took me way too long to accept that this was something I had to do. I have to be fully rested to be fully present, which doesn’t mean a good night’s sleep, but I have to take my social batter more seriously. My social battery affects my mood and how I show up, affecting my overall experience. It is hard to enjoy a party when you are winding yourself up to have the strength to not crash out. A domino effect that I have the power to stop the trigger. Reclaim control has also allowed me to connect better.
The first party I went to this birthday season was my best friend’s boyfriend, let’s call him Curl. A coworker pointed out that I could address Curl as my friend instead of as ‘my best friend’s boyfriend’ since I have known him for years. Still, I respect how we are connected, and just saying ‘friend’ seems too flat for me. I believe in a flat connection as I believe in a flat earth. I don’t simply think of him as a friend; though he is my friend, I attach his full title because it shows the map of our connections. Thinking of Curl as my best friend’s boyfriend reminds me that my best friend has his love, which gives me warmth. I am glad he chose to celebrate himself. When I see him enjoying life, I know that brings joy to my best friend, so it squares my happiness.
There is a popular misconception about introverts: we like to stay alone. But the truth is, most people love being around others. For me, I even crave others’ joy. I am very receptive to other emotions. I won’t call myself an empath because not entirely convinced they exist. But when I am around strong emotions, I lose myself in the energy it creates; it is like their emotion flows from them to me. I developed a willingness to experience others, which has made me better at turning strangers into friends. I was aware that this skill was improving when I recalled all the people I passively thought about in depth.
One thing about an adult birthday celebration that we just grow to accept is that it’s rarely celebrated on the day of or even close to the actual birthday. But the stars aligned, and we celebrated one of my core friends’ birthday on her day. I have two core friends: Curl’s boyfriend, who you can think of as River, and Blondie—of course, that’s not her real name, but she is a real blond. She is also the second person to celebrate this birthday season and chose to host it at our favorite brunch spot. I have known best since high school, but we don’t share all the same friends. She has collected connections that have no direct link to me. But I meet up with her other friend maybe once a year. In all these years, I felt like we lingered in acquaintance status. It could be the power of our brunch spot. Still, this celebration broke a barrier, and the conversation took off without needing Blondie to steer it. I even had one of my favorite conversations, which I like to call ‘Your immigrant family is just like mine.’ this is when we share everyday things we deal with because of our immigrant family. Whatever your convo partner says, you would inevitably say something of the sort of, “I experience that too.” The beauty of this conversation is that ethnic backgrounds don’t matter; you still share life experiences. I had this conversation with one of Blondie’s college friends, and the cover came about because I initiated small talk, which is fundamental to finding common ground.
The third party I went to was last Saturday. Unlike the first two birthday celebrations, I know very few people outside the Birthday Boy. As a person who lives with micro social anxiety, going to a party, I don’t know most of the guests brings a hardy level of uncertainty. Anxiety never makes much sense but makes you feel the issue you created in your head seems so real. The best way I combated my anxiety is by scientifically questioning my fears. The questions I form are objective and testable. If my worries don’t pass the questionnaire, I deem it unreasonable to act as if it is true. If I am willing to act out a fantasy, I would choose one that benefits me.
Since I’m not new to this but true to it, I have a preexisting questionnaire for the party. To combat the fear of not having anyone to talk to at the party, I ask myself, “Will I not be able to talk to anyone?” emphasizing ‘able.’ I answer the question changes per subject matter. In this case, I had to trust what I knew about the birthday boy, who I would name Ager, which means gatherer in Hebrew. Ager is a natural host who tends to be a great coordinator in a group setting. He is one to create a space where a blend of his different worlds can gather and celebrate him.
Another irrational fear I had was ‘doing too much.’ I address this fear with the question? “was I given a limit to be?”. Of course, the answer is no. I am adding Ager to the questions, too. He is Nigerian and has a lot of fellow African friends, so there is no way I can be overdressed. Regardless of the region, Africans have a clothing culture that welcomes the bold and commemorates the body. Everyone there was stunning. I surprised myself with how many people I mingled with. I basked in the room’s energy that was cultivating a luminous sensation. It made it a breeze to get lost in conversations with people who were technically a stranger.
The best part of the night was watching Ager take in praise. Someone had the great idea of gathering everyone around Ager, telling short stories of their friendship, and describing him with one word. One of his bits is to cosplay a shy boy, but Ager brimmed brighter with each person who spoke. It is a social norm not to fully accept completes; we are taught to downgrade anything nice about us even when we are in a space to celebrate ourselves. But Ager shows glee when drenched in praise, which, in itself, strengthens his bonds. The willingness to accept others’ praise is inherently a vulnerable way to revere your connection, so having the will to celebrate yourself will forge stronger connections.